Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A "Special" Doctor

Yesterday I got to travel to the home of my heart, Gainesville. Unfortunately it was for a doctor's visit but I did get to spend some time with a few friends and that was wonderful. So Marc, Joyce, Lain, Gwenny, Ludivine & Remington, thanks for the catch-up.

The doctor I had to see was an Orthopedic Oncologist. I have this large lump on my left forearm that, after about seven years, I finally decided to have looked at. About a month ago I was referred to an Orthopedist here in Jacksonville and he took some Xrays, didn't think it was a big deal, then ordered an MRI to map my soft tissues so he could remove it. Well the first MRI didn't go so well and I was called back the next day to have another one with contrast fluid. Yeah, I sort of freaked out. I mean, if you've never been in an MRI tube, it's not exactly a beach walk. After the second MRI the doctor was like "Oh this could be bad, but maybe not, so I can't help you. You have to go to a tumor specialist in Gainesville."


So that was my appointment yesterday. I got an x-ray, a biopsy and a few good laughs out of the day.

During the explanation of the procedure to remove the lump -

Me: I don't have to be put under do I?
Doc: Well we'll do a nerve block and then give you some general anesthesia to keep you happy. You can be as out of it as you want to be.
Me: But if I have the nerve block do I need the general anesthesia?
Doc: (looking at me like I'm a loon) Everyone wants the happy gas.
Me: But I had two c-sections and didn't have happy gas. I was conscious the whole time and that is considered major surgery. I mean, I heard all the cauterizing of the bleeders and everything.
Doc: (now laughing at me) I've never had anyone tell me that before. But it's true! So we'll decide the day of how much, or not, happy gas you'll get. ok?
Me: Ok!

During the biopsy -

Me: So can you tell by the stuff coming out if it's bad or not? Anything alarming?
Doc: No, nothing alarming. Obviously we still have to do the tests but the color looks like it's not bad.
Me: So you still think is benign?
Doc: Yes, I am like 90% sure.
Me: Ooh, my odds have gone down. It was 95% when you looked at the MRIs just a little while ago.
Doc: Well I just realize that I have to be careful what I say around you! You keep me on my toes.
(holy crap I hope so. Nice little CYA there.)

A few minutes later during the biopsy -

Doc: So you do marketing? What did you go to UF for? What's your degree in?
Me: Marketing. I'm someone who actually is using the degree I went to school for and I didn't go for law or medicine.
Doc: Yeah, I got my degree in Psychology and here I am doing Orthopedics.
Me: Well I hope you went back to school to get a degree in Orthopedics.
Doc: No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.
(silence... followed by me laughing my ass off.)

Nicely played doctor. Nicely played.

Later in the day when the nurse called me with the results of my freeze biopsy -

Nurse: So the first test came back benign but we still don't have a name for this tumor.
Me: A name?
Nurse: Yes we don't know what to call it. We might not be able to give it a name until after it's out and we can fully examine it.
(let's call it George!)
Me: So this is something you've never seen before?
Nurse: Yes, so far.
Me: Well if it's something new can you guys name it after me?
Nurse: I've never had anyone ask me that before.
Me: Well I just think that'd be cool if I have a new type of tumor to have it named after me in the medical journals.
Nurse: Ok... I can make a note of that.
Me: Cool!
(I start laughing which resulted in her cracking up too.)

I don't think doctors know how to take me. In the OR for my second c-section my OB told me she was going to give me a prettier scar (my first c-section scar was pretty ugly). So she said she's try but couldn't guarantee it. I just looked up at her and said "the only thing you can guarantee is death and taxes." Well the entire OR started laughing at me (with me). I was just trying to lighten the mood before they, you know, cut open my stomach. Jeez.


averygoodyear June 17, 2009 at 9:36 AM  

This is HILARIOUS. I had to read the "Holiday Inn Express" convo out loud to my husband. And "can you guys name it after me?" Hahaha :)

I hope you keep getting "it's benign" type news. Thinking of you!

Anonymous June 17, 2009 at 12:00 PM  

Wow, that's a pretty funny spin to a story that could be terrifying! Good for you, it's a great outlook. Hope the news keeps coming up roses for you and that you get that benign tumor named after you! lol.

I just had surgery for the first this this week and I can say, for sure, that I would NOT have wanted to be awake for it. Geez. You are hardcore!

Jackie Blum June 17, 2009 at 12:26 PM  

The Holiday Inn line is one I use far too often. But sometimes it just fits, you know?!?! Love docs with a sense of humor.

Hope everything is OK with you, Neener! It sounds like it is and will be.

Kekibird June 17, 2009 at 12:27 PM  

Although I hate to think of you having something in you large enough to name that isn't a baby, I think it's funny you've asked to have your name considered for it. Glad you have a sense of humor.

Crossing fingers for all negatives and for all round good health for you!


Anonymous June 17, 2009 at 9:20 PM  

Glad it sounds like it is good news. AND WHAT were you thinking waiting 7 years to have it looked at ????????? H E L L O ???? Make sure you get your mammograms for crying out loud !!!