Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Movie in My Mind

So you know what I love about TV shows and movies? I LOVE that the characters always know what to say, when to say it, what tone to say it in, what facial expressions to make, yadda yadda. It's like they thought about it forever before saying it. It's like they have a coach or something helping them with their actions.

Wait a minute...

Can I get a director for my life please? Kidding... if you know me you'd know I'd say "I have to do that job because I want it done right." That's my Type A showing just a little bit...

But I do wish I always knew what to say or how to say it during a confrontation. I often freeze up, especially when it's important, and just stare away. But in my head I'm rehearsing. I'm thinking of what I would say, how the other person might react, how the back and forth, give-and-take of the argument would play out if I had *actually* opened my mouth.

A lot of times I do say what I'm thinking, but not usually when I'm very angry or hurt. No, those times I shake or I cry. And I look like a doofus. And people assume I'm weak and unable to control myself. And later, much later, I always think of the perfect come-back or zinging response. LATER! You know, when I'm over being shocked. And I think "that wasn't so hard to think of, how come I couldn't when I needed it?"

I think I freeze up now because before, when I was younger but still an adult, I reacted without thinking. It was raw. Now, now I work on it and I do better. I have to do better. I have kids now. I am human, they have to see that, but I want them to see me working on self-improvement. Not perfection, just improvement.

Someday though I'd really love to have that perfectly rehearsed and edited scene-from-a-TV-show-or-movie-argument where I say everything perfectly, confidently, with no hesitation. Someday I don't want to have all that extra footage from the movie in my mind on the cut room floor.

My mind would be so much less cluttered that way.