Sunday, February 7, 2010

Betrayal

I run and my knees ache. My lower back, hips and pelvis also scream at me. I have been in and out of physical therapy for 10 years now. Exercise ends up discouraging me. But I like to run, to say I'm running. It feels good to know I'm doing something even if it hurts.

I am nearly 33. The only time my face has not broken out badly in 21 years was when I was when I was pregnant with Bear. I went to a dermatologist once as a young adult. I left mortified and have been too embarrassed to ever find another one.

I struggle to like myself more, and have more confidence so I'm not drawn to eating bad food. Food that makes it so much harder for me to lose weight, despite honest to goodness trying.

I constantly have a list of responsibilities a mile long. This week has been particularly bad, being that it's the first week of the month and therefore means that my work volume is greater. Add to that a stressful situation in a freelance job, a teething 2 year old, a 4 year old with nightmares and very little sleep for me, and I get a stomach/GI bug that lays me on my back on the sofa for the majority of Wednesday. (Luckily my job is working from home and I was able to meet my deadlines despite puking.)

I figured I'd have the weekend to catch up on my work and clean up my house some. I figured I'd be able to get a head start so next week is better, less stressful, with more balance and earlier bed times. But this morning, half a mile from the end of a 6 mile run, I started to get a migraine. A migraine so bad that I spent the rest of the day in bed until I couldn't stand being in bed anymore thinking about everything I wasn't catching up on, thinking about how tomorrow I have to wake up and tackle it all and rush around to get things in order and accomplished. I got up and got moving despite pain so bad I can't help but cry.

The thing is, I am not unhappy. I have a wonderful life, husband, children, home, family, friends. I am so lucky and thankful. I just feel like my body betrays me.

My body betrays me. And I don't know what to do about it.