Thursday, April 29, 2010

Grown Up, Mostly

It's been a while since I posted for Girl Talk Thursday here on my own blog. Most of the time I forget it's Thursday and if weren't for the little calendar reminders I set up for when I host, well, I'm lucky to remember. Heck these days I'm lucky if I can find my check book (it was in the garage... don't ask) or my pen that I just had two minutes ago (it was over my ear... this morning... true story).

Oh but this week - What did you want to be when you grew up?

I love it.



So yeah this implies that I think I've actually grown up. Most of the time I think I have but sometimes I wonder how the heck I got here, like "when did this happen?!" I always wanted to be a mom, to be married with a nice house and two cars and the fenced yard. I wanted to work but I wanted to be the mom that was home when school let out, who drove to all the sports practices and music lessons or whatever activities. So far I'm living that part of my dream. And I'm a happy, happy girl.

Unless you ask me about my job.

I really have no idea what I wanted to be when I was little. I fancied being a teacher, some sort of business person, an Olympic Horseback Riding Champion, but mostly, an astronaut. I have Space Camp to thank for that. Sadly, I never made the grades like Tish did.

But I do get to say I'm a teacher and a business person. The horse thing? Must have been a phase.

Mostly I am happy with what I am doing for work. I'm still unhappy with the pay and the fact that I'm constantly questioned about whether I am putting in the hours required. I'm running myself ragged and I find myself realizing that this pain isn't going to result in much gain, financially anyways, as I originally thought. I am looking... so fingers crossed.

But, every time I write the mortgage check, or pay the utilities, dress my children, or buy groceries I think "wow, I'm the adult now." I'm watching the kids I babysat for graduate from high school, go to college, asking "What do I want to be when I grow up?" And I can close my eyes and picture the exact time I was in those shoes. And when the blink is over, and that breath exhaled, I can only smile. Because I hope that in 16+ years they've figured it out, that they are living their dreams, and are as happy as I am.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Once Upon a Birthday

Yesterday my blog was one year old.

365 days of putting myself out there. Here. In this space.

My space.

A place I can belong to.

Everyone needs a place to belong. Everyone needs a group. A posse. A home for your heart, and a place to rest your mind. Friends. An identity.

365 days ago I was struggling to find a place to belong. I had lost my footing, the rug swept from beneath my feet in my own kitchen. In my home. My safe place. That was the end. It was the beginning. Another beginning. A different me.

I didn't like that me for a very long time. I just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, my identity felt foreign.

And then I got this crazy notion that I could start a new blog. One I might actually keep up with. One I could use to connect with others because maybe there were other people out there like me and I didn't have to feel alone in my head anymore. So I did. And now I don't.

Writing is therapy. Reading. Talking. Sharing. It is good for my soul, and for my heart which still has not fully healed.

I'm a work in progress with still so much to learn and share. I like to share.

Starting this blog was one of the best things I could have ever done for myself. I've found my voice again. I've gained some confidence back. I can be me here and if someone reads this, great. If not, that's ok. I'm working myself out. But, I have connected with some amazing, thoughtful, funny, brilliant, good and kind people, all whom I adore.

I needed this.

So Happy Birthday Baby Blog.

Let's eat cake.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Road

You can hear the soft hum of the interstate when you sit silent in our backyard. The white noise of vehicles, each with at least one person in it, each with a story to tell. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the number of people there are out there.

I was walking in the Target parking lot a couple days ago. A woman about my age was driving a huge SUV. She did not stop to let me cross. She was too busy on the telephone. Who was she talking to? Where was she going? Does she have children? Were they in the car? Does she have a home? A partner? Is she happy or does she cry herself to sleep at night?

What about that old man in the car in front of you going 10mph under the speed limit? Can you see his hands carefully placed at 10:00 and 2:00 as he sits a little forward towards the wheel with his shoulders slightly hunched over? Is he driving you crazy because you can't pass? What's your hurry? Where do yo think he's driven in his life? Was he in a war? Did he drive a tank? Does he have a family? Do they call him or see him often? Has he shared his stories with grandchildren?

You pass a crash. Mangled metal. Burned rubber. Rescue vehicles with lights flashing. You can see airbags deployed. You don't see any victims, they have been taken away already. Did they survive? Did their vehicle save them, protect them? Who are they? How does the crash change their lives?

Do you ever wonder about other people on the road?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

One Year - Remembering Maddie

Monday I got a pedicure. I chose dark purple polish.

I made sure I had something purple to wear today.

And I'm lost.

Last year on my birthday I wrote a post for all the loved ones I have lost. I can find no other words in my heart to express the feelings that swirl within. So for Heather and Mike, today, one year after Maddie passed away, I'll share what I wrote last May.

Maddie - There are few leaders who could unite people as you did and continue to do. You opened my eyes to a community I knew existed but didn't share in until now. Your beautiful blond curls and shining eyes will forever remind me of the goodness of people. I hope your family knows how powerful your grace is.

Today I remember Maddie.

Each year I remember them all on their days and I cherish the lessons, the friendships, the laughter, and the love. I am a better me because of them.

***
I am walking in the March for Babies on April 24th as part of Team Maddie. Will you help me raise money today, on Maddie's day, so that others do not experience grief like the Spohrs and so many other families?