Thursday, June 11, 2009

Steamy Esteem

It's Thursday and despite this being one of my favorite days to post... I've feared this day for weeks! Gah! I have to talk about myself, my self-esteem and sexuality. Double Gah!!!

Luckily, I have to go a little PG-rated here this week because I learned that some friends from the next generation happen upon my blog on occasion. And I like them and don't want to freak them out. But, I'm not gonna go all Disney-G on everyone because we all know those shrewd and lovely little Princesses are NOT anatomically correct, nor innocent with their batty eyelashes anyways. Someday they have to admit to implants. They have to.

So Maria pretty much hit the nail on the head with her description of sexuality post-partum. After Bug was born I called myself the "Milk Cow Pack Mule." I was a mom, complete with boobs become milk jugs, laden with a diaper bag full of baby gear I might need and if I didn't bring would absolutely need. While being mom is something I am so proud of, and I know I am good mom, the complete lack of my body to be anything but lumpy and my deep need of sleep just left me feeling hopeless in the love-vibes department. It was much worse the second time around, after Bear was born.

Now I think my biggest problem with the whole body image thing is that my image of myself is so different from the actual body shape. I don't think of myself as being over-weight until I see myself in photos. Photos of myself make me die inside. I see myself in the mirror every day, and when I'm not up against someone else, like in a pic, it's not that bad. But wow, photos tell me otherwise. I have learned not to care so much what the actual scale says, but I care more about how my clothes fit and how I will feel when I see me looking better in photos with my family. I don't want to be that fat-mom watching her kids from the soccer sideline. I don't want my kids to be embarrassed by me.

I also believe that my non-body-image related self-esteem totally affects my sexuality too. The last two years of my life have also been rough in the friend/acquaintences/work category. I felt like things were hitting me from all levels and really bringing me down. But I've recently made an active choice, with the help of some real, true friends and an awesome Zen-advice blog, to not use others opinions of me to invalidate what I know to be true. This does take mindfulness on my part when I feel myself slipping in to my emotions. But every step I traverse away from the bridges that burned and the water that runs swiftly in the ravine I tried to cross, I feel stronger. I breathe deeper, the air is fresher and I'm finding my mind on a much more even keel. Plus, as my self-esteem strengthens I am starting to feel better in other areas of my life too. Now if I can just get this body back in to some sort of pleasing shape, I'll be in business and feeling quite whole and spunky again.

OMG I just typed the word spunky. Twice.

To cap off the post I'll share with you the results of the new Facebook quiz I took just a half hour before starting this post. I found it quite hilarious given what I was about to type.

Which of your Chakras is most open?
Your Result: Sacral Chakra

The Sacral Chakra represents feelings, emotions, and sexuality. You are able to express your feelings flowingly, and are comfortable in showing your emotions. You are open to intimacy, and have no problem accepting your sexuality. Your personality is passionate and lively. Try not to become too over-emotional or passionate, as this may lead to you becoming emotionally attached to people.

And that, my friends, pretty much sums up what I feel that Maria didn't say. I mean, her post was about herself and all... it just fit so well in to my own feelings too.


Kekibird June 12, 2009 at 12:49 AM  

Woah...I think that was my chakras on Facebook, too! I'll have to check to make sure I'm right.

But I can completely and utterly understand your feelings. Having your own opinion about yourself *be* the be-all-end-all of how you feel is important but a hard lesson. As women and as mothers, everyone comes first.

Putting ourselves first and allowing us to guide our own opinions rather than relying on what other people think of us are the hardest things to do but it's important for our sexual and emotional survival.

I'm there if you need me :o)

Unknown June 12, 2009 at 9:46 AM  

sorry but Kikibird just said "utterly"...and well that's what I felt like nursing my big utter which is NOT sexy at.all.

Weight Watchers worked for me, I think, because I went each week to a meeting to weigh in, that accountability of showin the results to another person is what pushed me, forced me to stay on track.

If you can't get away each week, maybe at least try going to a meeting once a month to weigh in...maybe that will help kick start your weight loss.

one thing for sure, keep it up, do not give up, it will start working. It is a slow process. Took me 7 months to lose my weight, but it is SO WORTH IT!!!

Maria Melee June 18, 2009 at 10:37 PM  

This was a tough topic for EVERYONE. I think we all put too much pressure on ourselves--but we all genuinely want to have good sex! Ugh.

Thank you for playing, lady!